Sojourns in a place less Brighter

Every day, I wake up in a dark place.

So afraid that the day and it's impossibilities might discover me trying to will it away; so that I could slip away and disappear into the folds of slumber and peace.

I live in a world that is eternally crumbling. If a name is appropriate, then this place is called "Despair".

And this place, every morning, I begin a long arduous climb towards a little bit of immunity towards the pain and quiet desperation. Dare I call it sanity? Where, in my world view, much of the world is already insane?

But this is what drones do, don't they? Seek the elusive thing called happiness in whatever means and ways they know how. That, I can empathise with, but somewhere along the lines, I no longer understood happiness. I can only see despair and how happiness is an artifice created to veil the despair it is built from.

I long for true understanding and companionship, but like King Midas, who's touch turns everything into death, I fear every person I touch be lost to me, because of what's in me, this sense of gloom and darkness.

Therefore, I build this fort, to keep the darkness in.

So that I do not contaminate what that is pure.

Yet, in my doing so, I long so much more for it.

Every day, I have to find the strength to keep on walking. I am alone. For I cannot walk with others. I just don't know how. I fear being left behind too much.

And yet, I would not run. Because I don't see what I can run to. If I build things, I do so by avarice. Or by destruction. And because of my destructive tendencies, I dare not linger too long.

So ends a day. After dragging a failing body through the meaningless motions. Even if Happiness is the Happiness that we give, and it is so fleeting, because the Happiness is the seed of labour. To what ends?

Love does not keep me going anymore.

Cos love is too high a price to pay. And nobody has the exact change.

So everyday, I pick up whatever tools I have, to pick the lock of resignation, and then begin anew. And delude myself that happiness is a possibility around the corner.